Excerpt from
Good
Talk. . .Good Talk
by
Ginny Andrews
I Am a Donkey
Everyone
has a spirit animal. I could tell you mine is a butterfly because I am going
through a period of major change and I will come out transformed, but that
would be a lie; mine is really a hamster. A hamster on a wheel to be precise—a
huge metaphor for my life. In all areas of my life, I feel like I am working
super, super hard, but alas, I am just like that hamster on the wheel—I’m going
nowhere!
Or maybe
my spirit animal is closer to a donkey because lately, I feel more like a
jackass than a hamster. The proper name for a female donkey is a “jenny,” which
happens to be a version of my own name, just spelled a little differently. The
gals can also be called she-asses. Your average person refers to all donkeys,
male and female, as jackasses—even though the jack is reserved for the male. I
really felt the need to break this down for you. Also, the research is legit. I
found it all on Google.
Therefore, I am a version of a
donkey. A jenny-ass, she-ass, or a jackass used incorrectly—I am all the
things. This is only fitting seeing as how many of my behaviors always provoke
the word “jackass” to come out of the mouths of innocent bystanders who witness
my disastrous actions.
I’m never dressed appropriately for
any occasion, I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and bad luck
follows me around like that hemorrhoid you can’t seem to get rid of, like ever.
Funerals and weddings happen to be my favorite venue for living up to my name.
I don’t mean to be disrespectful or inappropriate; it just happens.
I think I come by this naturally, as
I was taught to be awkward at an early age at funerals. When I was a child, I
witnessed my cousin walking into a family funeral, and he taped a “get well
soon” balloon on the casket. No one said anything to him, and everyone acted
like that was something a normal-acting forty-five-year-old man would do.
Weddings
are tough gigs for me. It is extremely hard for me to stay focused, be serious,
and not engage in or cause a laughing spell. I have been a bridesmaid, like
fifty times, and during one of my stints, my friends (I was acquainted with
both the bride and groom) decided to write their own lyrics, I mean vows. At
one point the bride said, “I will be your cheerleader for life,” and the groom
replied by saying, “I will be the team captain of this family, and it will be
the A team.”
What
if they had a son that hated sports and wouldn’t even make the C team? What if
the daughter was a stoner and hated cheerleaders? I tried to hold my breath,
bite my tongue, anything to keep from laughing. Simultaneously, I looked over
at another bridesmaid and saw her struggling to hold it in, we made eye
contact, and then I lost it. My covered-up laugh came out like a snort, and
then I coughed to cover it up—then it turned into a case of the body shakes,
and even the preacher stopped and stared at me.
During another run as a bridesmaid,
I was using one of the portable potties at the reception (note to self: Don’t
have a reception outside where women who are dressed up must squat on portable
potties; this is a difficult task in a pair of shorts, let alone an evening
gown), and I fell over, and the portable potty went with me. Luckily, we
weren’t on a hill, but it was enough commotion to draw a crowd, and this all
transpired while the bride and groom were having their first dance. I thought
those apparatuses were secure enough not to be pushed over. However, the task
of setting them up was given to one of the cousins, and he didn’t secure them
to the ground properly. When I was set back upright, I opened the door to be
greeted by half of the wedding reception, including the photographer, who
snapped a couple of pictures. I’m positive that one made the wedding album!
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10/31/23 |
Notable Quotables |
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10/31/23 |
BONUS Stop |
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11/01/23 |
Review |
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11/01/23 |
BONUS Stop |
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11/02/23 |
Guest Post |
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11/03/23 |
Review |
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11/04/23 |
Author Interview |
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11/05/23 |
Excerpt |
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11/06/23 |
Review |
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11/07/23 |
Scrapbook |
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11/07/23 |
BONUS Review |
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11/08/23 |
Review |
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11/09/23 |
Review |
HA! SOULMATE! Sounds like Ginny is a fellow danger prone Daphne (nod to my fave Scooby Doo team). I feel seen. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing! :) Ginny Andrews
ReplyDelete