Triangles, Vampires, and Werewolves SISTER READS New Moon

Alright. Here we are again. More Twilight stuff. Surprise!

About a month or so ago, my sister and I found out that a new Twilight book is being released in August. Sister thought it would be fun to finish reading through the series and give her thoughts again, since it was so enjoyed the last time when I pulled an April Fool's Day gag. I guess the joke ended up being on me!

So now, up until August 4th, you can expect to find "Sister Reads" as a title, as we go through the original Twilight series, with a teenager who has yet to experience it. 

Here's how it goes: this standard font will be the context of what is on the listed page. My sister's comments will look like: THIS. Hi! 
Like last time, my own comments, will be italicized. 

Hopefully none of that is too confusing in the post!

Also, like last time, this is a post full of SPOILERS for this book, and for the last one. Just a heads up for anyone who hasn't read it and might want to without any spoilers coming from here. It has been out over ten years, but it never hurts to try to be a little extra courteous to younger readers or those who are catching some light interest in it. 

From this point on, you are entering SPOILER LAND.

What did my sister think while she was reading Stephenie Meyer's New Moon?  

New Moon

Page 3: Where grandma's skin isn't given an appealing description. 
Yes, let's just describe our grandma's skin as looking like a dried apricot. So eloquent, Bella. 
Has she EVER been eloquent? 

Page 4: Bella hears her name called and know it isn't her grandma and goes on and on about the voice she is hearing. Who could it possibly be? 
Edward. Of course. It's always Edward. 
Were you expecting Santa Claus? 

Page 6: It is Bella's birthday and we find out her age for this book. 
Oh, joy. She's an "adult." Is she though? I feel so bad for the world. 
The only thing that pops into my head when she says 'is she though?' is Thor's face from Thor: Ragnarok.


Page 17:Where Bella says that she used to crush on Romeo from Romeo and Juliet
Why? Cause he's dramatic and ridiculous like you? 
Melodramatic, overly brooding and mopey, but quick to get over relationships in general? Yeah, sounds like a Bella thing. I'll still take Romeo over her though, truth be told. At least he was written for the stage where being dramatic makes sense.

Page 21:Where Bella literally says that she is not that interesting. 
You're right for once, Bella. You're not. 
Hey, you two finally agree on something! 

Page 22: Where Bella drops a camera, but Edward saves it. 
Can't you be more careful? 
My sister loves photography and carries a camera everywhere, so naturally, this pains her. I think this camera is the new CD player. 

Page 25: Where Bella mentions potentially developing the film for her camera. 
Will you, though? 
See GIF above...also, it's just a photography/camera-loving-person thing. 

Page 58: Where Bella hangs her raincoat up. 
Unisex raincoat.
Return of the unisex raincoat. This's personal. 
Whenever this kid sees the term raincoat now, she just automatically says "is it unisex?" I think she is still suffering from trauma after the last book.

Page 65: Where Bella describes Edward's face - "...his face was colder, more like a sculpture, less alive." 
He's not alive. He's undead. 

Page 97: Where Bella says, "I pretended to be dense..." 
Was it hard?

Page 123: Yes, Bella, let's drive with only one hand on the wheel, because THAT'S smart. 
I think this one explains itself without introductory context. 

Page 124: Where Bella describes how awful she looks and how much she has changed for the negative, because of the break-up with Edward. 
I get heartbreak, I do. But are so dramatic. 
She learned everything she knows from Professor Romeo, remember? 

Page 125: Where Bella says that being reckless in Forks "would take a lot of creativity--maybe more than I had." 
Do you even have any creativity? 
She's dramatic as heck, so maybe she actually does. She sure tells some whopping lies to herself so...I think it might just be possible.

Page 127: Where Bella says she wants to be all the things she already is--- "stupid and reckless" 

Page 132: Where Jacob uses a rubber band for his hair. 
Again with the rubber band. When does it end? 
I feel like this might need some more context. We call hair ties, hair elastics, liga(s) [hair tie in borderland Texas Spanish]...never rubber bands, because rubber bands are office supplies and they wouldn't be good for our hair.

Page 134: Where Jacob stretches out the one syllable word "sweet" to two-syllables. 
Yaaayy. Another multi-syllable word. 

Page 142: Where Charlie watches a hockey game. 
Charlie has great taste when it comes to sports.

Page 183: Where Jacob tells Bella to use her imagination and believe he handed her a live grenade as a means of teaching her to ride a motorcycle. 
Jacob, Bella IS a live grenade.

Page 184: Where Edward's voice pops into Bella's head...again...and she falls off her motorcycle. 
*slow clap* Way to go, Edward. You shocked Bella to the point where she fell off the bike.

Page 186: Edward's voice is still in Bella's head. 
Would you look at that? It's Mr. Perfect again.

Page 188: Where Bella provides the recipe for her daily existence -- "...adrenaline plus danger plus stupidity." 
Aren't you stupid at least once a day?

Page 189: Where Bella has a head wound and is bleeding, but doesn't care. 
You hit your head, started bleeding, and Jacob's urgency isn't necessary? 

Page 190: Where Bella claims that she met her goal of breaking her promise and being "needlessly reckless." 
You're always needlessly reckless. ...and slightly delusional, but hey, who's keeping track anymore?

Page 194: Where Bella tells Jacob that she doesn't appreciate her dad "getting nosy." 
No. Charlie's being protective. He's literally a police officer! She ended up in the hospital, but expects her dad to just be cool about it, after her last visit to the hospital in the first book? She's dumber than I remember her being when I last read this book slightly over 10 years ago...

Page 214: Where Bella hangs out with Jacob, but still thinks of memories with Edward and is generically a drip. 
Honestly, what does Jacob see in her? 

Page 218: Where Bella muses that her life would be better if Jacob were her brother cause he would be hers in a way that doesn't give her any guilt or personal responsibility to deal with. 
Trust me. If Jacob had been your brother, this book would be way more enjoyable. That'd actually be way more fun...just imagine, Bella comes from a family of werewolves and falls for a vampire, so it's one massive war between supernatural beings over family and love instead of a sloppy love triangle. Sounds way more like Romeo and Juliet than this book...

Page 219: Where Bella says she loves Jacob and needs him, but he is her best friend, but being her best friend just isn't enough, and nothing makes a lot of sense here. 
Well, don't you throw you love around willy-nilly? 

Page 220: Where Bella is on the phone with Billy Black and Billy questions where Jacob is, so Bella conveniently forgets that they might be dealing with a werewolf thing and not a normal thing. 

Page 225: Where Bella doesn't really believe that Billy took Jacob to a doctor, for some reason she isn't sure about. 
It's cause he's a werewolf, Bella. 
She's a bit slow on the draw, isn't she? 

Page 244: Where Bella sees a wolf and suddenly thinks of Jacob. 
That's because it is Jacob, Bella. 

Page 245: Where Bella is frozen in fear, hunched over on the ground. 
Can't you 'break down' when you're out of the realm of danger? 

Page 262: Where once more, Jacob is described as having russet skin. 
Oh great. Another use of the word "russet" to describe Jacob's skin. Russet was used a total of twelve times in this book to describe Jacob. After the third instance, it got old. Honestly, aren't there any other words to describe him? We know he has brown skin. And I thought the three instances of "rubber band" instead of hair tie was annoying.

Page 280: Where Bella says she cries herself to sleep over Edward. 
You cry yourself to sleep over everybody, Bella. I'm not even kidding. 

Page 280-281:Where Bella reminisces about Edward sneaking in to her room through her window. 
You mean when Edward used to be a creepy stalker? 
Apparently between romantic and "stalking" is a very thin line, from Bella's perspective. I'm glad you know where that line is, even though Bella doesn't. 

Page 283: Where Jacob really wants to tell Bella a secret that she should already know, because it has been obvious to everyone else. 
She's too dense to remember Jacob.
Maybe if he smacked her upside the head with a book about werewolves, she would understand and think he was being super romantic...I mean, she allowed stalking to be romantic...  

Page 288: Where Jacob tries to look out for Bella and tells her that seeing her isn't safe. 
"It's not safe." Where have I heard that before? *cough* Edward *cough* 

Page 292: Where Bella has a dream that conveniently connects all the dots for her to remember what Jacob is. 
How convenient to remember now. Right after you have the same dream you did about Edward, only this time it's for Jacob, the "great russet wolf." Let's now flashback all the way to Chapter 7: Scary Stories, in the first Twilight novel. 
So apparently sleeping Bella, is smarter than fully conscious and awake Bella. Ain't that something? This may have been a more fun and intelligent book if Bella was a sleepwalker and sleep-talker for most of it. 

Page 300: Where Bella believes that she's a monster for hanging out with Jacob, because he's a "killer". 
You can't be friends with a killer. So I guess Edward is fine. Oh wait, that's right. He's a "vegetarian." 
So she can't be platonic friends with a werewolf, but she can be romantically involved with a vampire, guilt free. Double standard much?

Page 301:Where Bella says, "It was bad enough that my best friend was a werewolf. Did he have to be a monster, too?"
Note to self, Bella. Your future boyfriend is also a monster. Or did you forget that because he's "flawless" and "perfect?" 
Of course she did. I find it funny that she considers "werewolf" and "monster" to be separate descriptions, when werewolves are often grouped straight into the monster category, along with vampires. I guess vampires don't fit into a dual category in her pea-sized brain.

Page 304:Where Bella rationalizes with herself that her friend can be her friend even if he kills people, because that's how love works. That it makes people illogical. 
I think Jacob can protect himself. He is a werewolf after all. 
What I find more strange is that she's suddenly, totally okay with though a million red flags shouldn't be going off in her mind. 

Page 306: Where Bella checks if asking Jacob to just choose to not be a werewolf is an option. 
You can't just will yourself to not be a werewolf, Bella. It doesn't work that way. 

Page 306-307:Where Bella and Jacob get into a fight over Bella being a hypocrite and jumping to conclusions without properly communicating with her so called "best friend." 
Yes, Jacob! Call this ignorant muggle out on her hypocrisy!
I can't believe she would think that vampires can suddenly be different, but doesn't even bother to see how werewolves do things. Some friend SHE is. 

Page 329: Where Embry thinks that Bella is tough because she hangs out with vampires going full speed. 
Bella running with vampires doesn't make her tough, Embry. It just makes her stupid. She isn't all that tough. She's actually quite weak and fragile. 

Page 356-357: Where Bella decides that she is going to jump off a cliff and live dangerously so she can encourage her mental delusion to be upset at her. 
Oh yay. Cliff diving time. It is time to jump to your death and tell everybody you weren't trying to kill yourself, even though it really seems like you are.

Page 358:Where Bella has an exchange with imaginary Edward in her head, diving in desperation so he'll "stay" with her in some way. 
Bella, Edward is a vampire. That means he's "undead." You do realize what that means, right? If you die, you won't be with Edward. You will be irrevocably dead and probably lying at the bottom of the water or in a grave somewhere. "But you won't stay with me any other way." If you die, he can't be with you ANYway. 

Page 360: Where Bella says that imaginary Edward owes her and HAS to be there while she's doing stupid things. 
Your "Romeo" isn't there. You know he isn't. How can a hallucination/delusion owe you anything? 

Page 368: Where Bella finally shows an ounce of guilt about her actions and calls it a "stupid time to be reckless". 
Every time you do something reckless is a stupid time, Bella. 

Page 371: Where Bella contemplates Romeo and Juliet before calling it stupid. 
Romeo and Juliet may not be the best Shakespeare work ever, but the play is far from stupid. You're more stupid than that entire play.
You tell her, sister! Shakespeare deserves better than that. Man, these are the moments where I really appreciate this kid. 

Page 384: Where Alice confronts Bella, and Bella insists that she wasn't doing anything remotely dangerous to her well-being. 
It's time to lie to Alice. If you weren't trying to commit suicide (she was; we all know she was), then why did you say that happiness made the dying part a lot more bearable?
Lies are like potato chips to Bella. She can't stop at just one. 

Page 385: Where Bella tells Alice that cliff diving was purely for "recreational purposes." 
Recreational purposes only. I see. *facepalm* You aren't very good at lying, Bella. You couldn't think of a better cover story? 
We've already established that she can barely think, and you want her to be a pro at it? Those are some grand delusions you're having, sister. Watch yourself, Bella might be rubbing off on you...
Page 386: Where Alice tells Bella that she is "prone to life-threatening idiocy." 
There is nobody more prone to life threatening idiocy than Bella, Alice. 

Page 387: Where Alice finds out that Jacob is a werewolf and says that Bella is "a magnet for danger." 
She is a danger magnet. She's a danger to herself, she's even a danger to the Cullens. Stay away glitterpires. 
Haha. Glitterpires...that's funny. I shall forever call them that now. 

Page 411:Where Bella thinks about her feelings and longing for Jacob again. 
Make up your mind, Bella. Edward or Jacob? Vampire or werewolf? Russet or pale white? These are the choices that should keep you up at night. Stop playing with their feelings! Just choose already. 
But then the book wouldn't be over 400 pages long and therefore not long enough to torture you needlessly with over will they or won't they...

Page 416: Where a phone call goes bad and people think that Bella is dead. 
See, Bella? This is what happens when you decide to throw yourself off a cliff. 

Page 420: Where Bella says her friends shouldn't be afraid to get her killed because she does that well enough by herself. 
For once we actually agree on something, Bella. You do almost get yourself killed on a daily basis. Honestly, what does Edward see in her? What does Jacob see in her? What does anybody see in her? 
This is at least the second time you've twice you agree on something. I think only the carnivorous vampires in the last book saw her as anything accurate (that being a meal, of course).

Page 456:Where Bella compares Volturi vampires with artwork in a bad way, combining Botticelli's angels with gargoyles. 
I have never gotten more annoyed at art references in a book. Ever. There is no way that this dull crimson-irised Volturi would make a Botticelli angel look like a gargoyle. No way. What do you know about art anyway, Bella? As far as I know, you barely have any hobbies save for reading and rereading Wuthering Heights (seriously, aren't there any other classics you could read besides mentioning the same one over and over?). You don't draw. You barely even talk about art. Sit down with your glitterpire and read about Heathcliff and Catherine Ernshaw or watch Romeo and Juliet again. 
My sister loves art and wants to be an artist...of course this is the point where she would jump on a soapbox. This is so amusing to observe.

Page 514:Where Edward confesses beautifully to Bella, even though she hasn't really done anything to deserve it throughout this entire book. 
Is this why it's called New Moon? Because it obviously has had nothing to do with werewolves (they turn into werewolves when they get angry, not during the full moon). It is time for over the top, flowery Edward (don't get me wrong. I typically enjoy purple prose, descriptive, and flowery writing, but there's no place for it here, even though Edward was alive in the early 20th century). So dramatic. So, is that where we get the title? Because Bella is Edward's "new moon" as opposed to his previous "moonless night," because otherwise this title doesn't make sense. 
Hey, I thought Edward waxing poetic was awesome. He's dramatic in the BEST way, when you compare it to Bella. The worst part is who he is telling it to, not the WAY he is saying it. I could read purple, flowery prose like this all day. 

Having come to the end of her comments, we will now see Little Sister's rating for New Moon. 

She gives it a 2. It was worse than the first one. Bella was flat and stupid, as always. Edward has grown on her a bit. She is confused regarding why Bella can resist everyone's gifts, except Jasper's--apart from Alice, cause her powers are different and prophetic. She hopes that the third one is better. 

So here we are at the end of My Sister Reads and Comments on: New Moon. We'll be back with Eclipse a little later in the month, once she finishes it. Thanks for joining us today! Let us know if you want to hear more about what she has to say!