Preface:
Very first sentence in the book: “All our attempts at subterfuge had been in vain.”
Subterfuge??
Yes, subterfuge. Haven't you heard of it? Bella perfected it last book as she lied to herself and Jacob...about everything where emotions are concerned.
Chapter 1:
When Charlie reads the newspaper: “...he was clucking his tongue in disapproval..”
What, is he a chicken?
That's a legitimate way of writing that sound if you don't want to use "tsk tsk tsk" or clicking your tongue...
When Charlie and Bella talk about college: “…..there’s lots of financial aid out there. It’s easy to get loans.”
Yeah, and be in student debt forever.
Basically. Student loans aren't fun to deal with.
When Charlie tells Edward and Bella to stay out of Seattle because of the mysterious abductions and murders: “Dad, there’s a better chance that I’ll get struck by lightning than that the one day I’m in Seattle--”
Go to Seattle, Bella. He’s just doing his job as father and police officer. Sheesh, you have issues.
When Bella describes Edward in excessive detail.
Bella, you are sooo superficial. Yay, now it’s his eyes’ turn for an overabundance of detail!
When Bella mentions that her blood is like alcohol and wine to Edward: "I knew that the scent of my blood--so much sweeter to him than any other person’s blood, truly like wine beside water to an alcoholic--caused him actual pain from the burning thirst it engendered."
Engendered? Not this again.
Fancy pants McGee over here...somebody put Webster on speed dial while writing.
When Edward tells Bella that there are a lot of human experiences that Bella has never had; she tells him she can get to those afterward: “They won’t be human experiences afterward. You don’t get a second chance at humanity, Bella.”
He has a point, Bella, you ignorant muggle.
How is the inhuman vampire having more human thoughts than the human?
When Bella tells Edward that they’ll live in Antarctica after she is transformed: “Edward snorted, breaking the tension. ‘Penguins. Lovely.’”
Penguins are lovely.
[My sister has a penguin obsession. Pay no mind to it please.]
When Bella reads Wuthering Heights again; Edward questions her on whether or not she has it memorized yet; she mentions that she doesn’t have a photographic memory, unlike him; Edward mentions that “the characters are ghastly people who ruin each others’ lives.”/“I don’t know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. It isn’t a love story, it’s a hate story.”
I’ve never read Wuthering Heights (though I plan to), but Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet was kind of a hate to love story. Not to mention, can we even count Twilight as a love story? It’s more like a stalking story. And Romeo and Juliet were highly dysfunctional as a couple.
Romeo and Juliet weren't dysfunctional...their parents' abilities to get along like productive citizens were. Their relationship was largely just poorly timed and planned out.
When Edward uses “dog” as a derogatory term for Jacob; Bella mentions that she was used to Jacob and his slurs. "Somehow, it sounded harsher in Edward’s velvet voice."
How many times can you use velvet as a descriptor for Edward’s voice? It was used 24 times within just these 3 books!
Chapter 2:
The very first sentence of chapter two: “I felt oddly buoyant as I walked from Spanish toward the cafeteria, and it wasn’t just because I was holding hands with the most perfect person on the planet, though that was certainly part of it.”
*rolls eyes* We know Edward is perfect. How many times must you say it?
Enough to make sure it is permanently ingrained in your memory for the next 15 or so years.
When Bella is talking about caring for her mother when she was growing up: “Scatterbrained Renee.”
That’s no way to talk about your mother. Why do you insist on calling your parents by their first names?
When Edward sees how destroyed Bella’s stereo from her eighteenth birthday is: “You didn’t get much good out of your birthday presents last year……”
She didn’t get much out of her birthday present, because soon after you left. Did you forget about that, velvet-voiced glitterpire?
Of course he forgot. He was too busy doing his own moping to think about if her presents went to good use.
When Bella remembers about the two tickets she got for her eighteenth birthday from Esme and Carlisle to be able to visit her mother in Florida; Bella doesn’t think Charlie will allow her to go because Edward also has a ticket: “Charlie can’t keep you from visiting your mother. She still has primary custody.” AND when Edward tells Bella that Renee has full custody, not Charlie: “Nobody has custody of me. I’m an adult.”
Don’t remind me, Bella.
When Edward tells Charlie about the tickets and Bella claims she forgot: “You forgot that someone gave you plane tickets?”
Wouldn’t be the first time she forgot something, Charlie. Your daughter is quite dense. Two books after the first one and my point is still valid.
She forgot the story that Jacob told her and couldn't piece together that he was a werewolf...her memory is definitely flawed. She just doesn't spend enough quality time with Charlie for him to be aware of these things like we are from being stuck in her head through the duration of 3-4 books.
When Edward tells Charlie that he has a ticket as well; Bella and her father begin arguing: “Do I need to remind you that I’m a legal adult, Charlie?”
Wow. Disrespectful much?
She's barely spent time with her dad throughout her life it seems, and she's always trying to get away from him and distance herself. I feel so bad for Charlie...he tries to be a good dad.
When Charlie questions Bella about what she’s going to do about her relationship with Jacob: “......I know you’ll do the right thing. You’re a good person.”
Is she, though?
Considering how she used Jacob in the last book and keeps being unappreciative of her parents overall? No. I understand wanting to be independent, but blowing them off rudely and speaking flippantly when they aren't actually restraining what you can do, is absurd.
Chapter 3:
When Bella thinks about potentially ditching school: "My brain refused to come up with any brilliant insights. Maybe I was missing some vital piece of information."
Wouldn’t be the first time.
Won't be the last either.
When Jacob grins like Sam: "He wasn’t my Jacob when he wore it."
Can you stop calling him your Jacob? You’re just messing with his feelings. He isn’t yours. So possessive. Edward is yours (and even then, it’s kind of possessive), not Jacob. You can’t have both. Make up your mind.
When Bella thinks about how Jane the Volturi tortured Edward: "The memory snapped me out of my near hysteria and put everything in perspective. Because I’d rather Victoria killed me a hundred times over than watch Edward suffer that way again."
But that would torture Edward as well... How idiotic can you get? You’d die, and he’d ask the Volturi to kill him again, because he doesn’t ever plan to outlive you by long. Doesn’t this sound familiar? Oh yeah. It’s exactly what happened when you decided to jump off a cliff.
She clearly didn't pay enough attention to what was going on with Edward emotionally. She's not a very good romantic partner if she can't even acknowledge the pain he would go through. She just thinks about herself...talk about selfish.
When Jacob and Edward talk at Forks High, even though Jacob isn’t supposed to be there; Jacob mentions how overprotective Edward is; Bella tells him to shut up.: “......if you ever feel like having a life again, you could come see me.”
Did she ever have a life, Jacob? No? I didn’t think so. Edward is her life. Nothing else. Not even reading and re-reading Wuthering Heights for the millionth time.
That is true...even when her other friends initially tried to spend time with her and help her "have a life" she pretty much chose to just blow them all off. She doesn't want a life. She wants to be undead with her undead marble statue boy.
When Bella imagines the Cullens and Quileute pack fighting Victoria [part 1] "I imagined the wolves would be in the most danger, but picturing tiny Alice next to one of the huge werewolves, fighting…"
*facepalm* Alice is tougher than you. She isn’t that tiny. She can hold her own. Just because you’re fragile, doesn’t mean everybody is.
She missed the entire lecture on how being a vampire gives you extra strength...looking weak and being weak are two different things.
Chapter 4:
When Edward reminds Bella that he’ll change her; he mentions that she knows his condition: “Edward had promised that he would change me himself whenever I wanted….just as long as I was married to him first.”
Personally, that’s reasonable to me. He’s only asking for one thing. Think, Bella. You want to be a vampire, you want Edward to change you, and you want to be with Edward forever, yet you don’t want to marry him? He’s literally willing to give you everything you want according to one condition. It isn’t like he’s asking you to kill someone.
I find it so funny how concerned she is about being married, when she's already so obsessed with him, but isn't at all worried about being undead eternally...
When Bella talks to inanimate objects [magnets from the fridge]; they won’t “coexist” together because of the polarization): "I stood there like an idiot for a second, not quite able to admit that I wasn’t having any lasting effect against scientific principles."
You are an idiot, Bella.
Why would she have lasting effect on the basics of science? Kind of a conceited thought to have...
When Bella goes down to La Push to see Jacob: "His teeth gleamed bright against his russet skin."
We know he’s brown (20 uses across these first 3 books by the end of Eclipse).
You'd figure he would have some other characteristics worth noticing by this point...
When Bella walks with Jacob: "A little younger, a little less responsible."
You’ve never been that responsible.
When Jacob questions Bella about Edward; Bella asks for a valid reason for loving someone since she’s doing it wrong; Jacob tells her to start by looking within her own species: “I guess I’m stuck with Mike Newton after all.”
You would be much better off if you were with Mike, you can’t deny that.
I agree. Mike, from what we can tell based on how little we saw of him, was actually normal and decently nice. I think he would've been a decent dude for Bella, at least initially.
Chapter 5:
When Jacob tells Bella that he isn’t aging: “Am I the only one who has to get old?”
You are so dramatic. Eighteen isn’t that old. You’re just being whiny and annoying.
When Jacob mentions imprinting: “Have you ever heard of imprinting?”
How would she have heard of imprinting, Jacob? She isn’t a werewolf.
...And vampires don't imprint...,but maybe he doesn't know that. Otherwise, how could she know?
When Bella tells Jacob that Edward can’t read her mind: “It probably means there’s something wrong with my brain.”
We already know there’s something wrong with your brain. Did you barely realize it?
I would think it would mean that she's special and capable of high levels of mental resistance, which would be good. Except that this is Bella, so of course she isn't too bright after all and only sees it as a bad thing.
Chapter 6:
When Edward tells Bella that she’s not the best judge of what is or isn’t dangerous.
Sadly, that’s true. You would think she would. Turns out she doesn’t have a brain, however I already knew that.
We all know it...I don't know how she has managed to survive up to this point.
When Bella tells Jacob that the Cullens are just trying to keep her safe; she tells him that their hearts are in the right place.
What hearts? They’re vampires. Vampires don’t have hearts. They’re undead. They don’t have heartbeats, nor do they have the essential blood pumping organ that humans have.
They have more heart than she does, that's for sure.
When Bella sees the bed that occupies Edward’s room: “What the hell is all this?”
It’s a bed. It’s a fairly large human contraption that was designed for Homo Sapiens to sleep on.
Even if Edward doesn't sleep, wouldn't it just feel like life is slightly more normal if you had a bed? They're relaxing to read in, so its like having a big cushion at your disposal.
Chapter 7:
When Rosalie tells Bella about her past and why she doesn’t like her much.
Oh. That’s why Rosalie is so annoying. Makes sense.
At least Rosalie has a good reason...what's Bella's? Sarcasm aside, I feel bad for Rosalie. She dealt with a LOT.
Chapter 8:
When Bella tells Jacob how long until she’s a vampire: “You’d be better off dead. I’d rather you were.”
Wow, Jacob. So low. I don’t like Bella, but that’s uncalled for. You’re just being a jerk.
Class 1 jerk right here. If she means anything to him, he shouldn't want her to get hurt, much less die. This is really the point where I stopped liking Jacob as a person. This makes the triangle pointless to me.
Chapter 10:
When Jacob asks Bella what it’s like having a vampire boyfriend: “The idea doesn’t bother you--it never creeps you out?”
Jacob, if Bella was creeped out then that would mean she is actually logical and uses her brain. We already know she doesn’t. Your attempt is futile.
I'm fairly certain that having a werewolf boyfriend would be just as creepy in some ways.
When Bella decides to go to La Push amongst all the frightening and unexplained things going on: "I wanted to escape the death threats, for just a few hours... to be the less-mature, more-reckless Bella who could laugh it off with Jacob, if only briefly."
Less mature? You aren’t even that mature now. Do you even know the definition of maturity?
No. Clearly not. She's a danger junkie who doesn't care what her actions do emotionally to the people around her.
Chapter 12:
When Bella is worried that Edward didn’t want her to be a vampire because he might like her less: “Bella, for a fairly intuitive person, you can be so obtuse!”
That’s nothing new, Edward. It’s been almost two years and you didn’t know that?
Neither of these two pays close attention to the other. This really doesn't seem like a healthy relationship...neither do any other combinations that Bella is involved with.
When Bella reads a newspaper article about the Seattle killings.
It doesn’t even read like an article.
Well I guess we can tell outwardly that the author didn't major in Journalism...or have any major experience with it.
Chapter 13:
When Jasper talks about his past; he can feel the emotions in a room.
Yay! Almost an entire chapter on Jasper’s past. He’s like me. I like him.
[My sister is an empath, so this segment is really relatable for her.] Too bad we couldn't get a full book on just Jasper and Alice...some characters who are actually interesting and logical.
Chapter 14:
When Bella worries about the Cullens fighting the newborns [and Victoria] part 2: "Or Alice, so tiny, so fragile-looking?"
Once again, Alice can hold her own in a fight, unlike you. She isn’t that tiny. Quit talking about her as if she’s so weak.
Bella would fall and break her leg by mistake, or nearly kill herself by cliff diving on purpose..., but yeah, let's worry about Alice because of her size...
Chapter 15:
When Jacob tells Bella that he’ll be there until her heart stops beating.
Well, that isn’t going to last long. She’s going to be a vampire soon.
Yeah, and then he's just going to spend his time wishing she was fully dead instead of simply vampire dead.
When Jacob kisses Bella against her will [part 1].
Seriously, Jacob?! Are you kidding me? I haven’t really liked you this entire book, but that’s taking it too far. She’s obviously trying to push you away. I don’t like Bella, but get off her. You’re just being pushy and kind of creepy.
You tell him!!!
When Jacob kisses Bella against her will [part 2].
You know she’s pushing against you, you get angry, and you push even more? Stop. Just stop. She’s obviously uncomfortable.
Exactly. This is NOT okay.
When Bella punches Jacob in the face [or at least tries].
Yes! Punch him. He deserves it. I don’t care that he doesn’t feel it. You still tried. I give you props, Bella. Nice to know that even as far as you let things go, you still have limits and boundaries. Maybe there is a method to your madness, at least somewhat. You actually have a bit of sense now.
Stalking is not okay, kissing a person against their will is not okay, now if only she would be consistent in drawing that line in the sand. It is really nice to see some moral improvement and self-worth/self-respect from Bella.
When Bella calls him out for his behavior.
You tell him! I still don’t really like you, but you’ve gotten a little more respect from me. Not a lot, but enough to not drive me as crazy.
When Jacob drives her home; Jacob tells Bella that she kissed him back; Bella replies that she wasn’t kissing him back, she was trying to push him off her: “Touchy. Almost overly defensive, I would say.”
And I would say that you are an idiotic jerk who obviously doesn’t know the concept of boundaries. Overly defensive? Are you kidding me? I’m so glad this scene wasn’t written to be romantic. For once, Bella has a valid (and logical) reaction to something that is inappropriate and wrong.
When Edward confronts Jacob about him kissing her; he tells him that he won’t kill him because it would upset Bella" “But if you ever bring her back damaged again--and I don’t care whose fault it is; I don’t care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head--if you return her to me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs.”
You tell him, Edward. He deserves it.--------
"And if you ever kiss her again, I will break your jaw for her.”
*claps*
I'm gonna force an echo in here. *claps*
When Bella talks about her and Edward trusting each other: "I knew he’d take me to Antarctica and hunt penguins if I asked him to."
Please don’t. The penguins deserve better.
Agreed. Let's leave the poor innocent penguins alive. No penguin blood popsicles, please.
Chapter 19:
When Bella thinks about how long ago it seemed when she was frightened about the werewolves.
Oh sure. You were afraid of the werewolves, but not the vampires? Your thought process baffles me.
Honestly.
Chapter 20:
When Bella compares cuddling with Edward to cuddling with Michelangelo’s David.
So it’s like cuddling with a naked marble statue? Nice to know that’s where your mind is, Bella.
Told you he was her marble statue boy...
When Edward proposes to Bella.
Yay. They’re engaged now.
Chapter 21:
When Bella tells Jacob that Edward is the only person she’s ever kissed; he tells her, “Besides me.”: “I think of it more as an assault.”
That’s because it is. I’ve never liked you any more than I do now. It’s nice to see you stick up for yourself. Jacob is a jerk. I’m not a big fan of Edward either, but of the two “choices” you have, I’d choose Edward. At least he’s never kissed you against your wishes. He’s more tolerable.
He DID stalk her though...but I agree with the against wishes affection portion for sure.
When Jacob tells Bella she should try kissing someone else, such as him; he tells her she could kiss him, instead of him kissing her.
Stop being so pushy, Jacob! She doesn’t want to kiss you. Get over yourself. I get you have feelings for her, but chill out.
Guy just can't seem to take no for an answer. He takes the best part about dogs (being super affectionate), and turns it into a creepy, cringe-inducing quality.
Chapter 22:
When Jacob tells Bella that she’d be warmer if she took her clothes off; he tries to defend himself by saying that that is “survival one-oh-one.”
*facepalm* You aren’t subtle, Jacob.
CREEPY! I bet Charlie would be liking Edward a lot more now if he knew Jacob had said this to Bella....
When Jacob tells Bella that he could warm up her lips (which are blue) if she asks him to.
Jacob, you are literally flirting with an engaged woman(he doesn’t know that, but it’s not the point; she is still dating Edward). Stop. Just stop. You’re just going to end up hurting yourself.
And everybody else...quit being a pushy creep.
When Bella is about to fall asleep while Jacob is keeping her warm: “That’s right, honey, go to sleep.”
Why does Jacob insist on talking like Charlie?
Because she acts like a child so much that he wants to treat her like one? Kidding, some guys just use endearment terms like that casually...although to me, this reads more like Jacob trying to force himself to seem more appealing to Bella. Almost like a weird mind game. I hadn't realized how creepy he was when I first read it so many years ago...or maybe I did and just didn't remember. I know I didn't like him much, but I couldn't remember why. This is probably why.
Chapter 23:
When Bella thinks about how she treats Edward and Jacob: "I was selfish, I was hurtful."
Did you barely notice? What gave you that idea? (Though, to be fair, I think Jacob deserves it at this point).
Mildly disagree. If she hadn't led him on so much in that last book, he may not have pushed her so much this time around. He may not have thought it was okay, and instead her confusion ended up being some kind of twisted 'green light means go' signal in his mind.
When Bella realizes that she has feelings for Jacob as well: "That’s why it was so impossible to tell him goodbye--because I was in love with him. Too."
Oh, come on. Quit messing with their feelings! You are literally engaged to Edward now? Or did you forget? Or do you not care?
So she acknowledges that she was hurting them both, but won't acknowledge the full difference in feelings. He kisses her and she doesn't like it, yet she still believes she loves him as well. She can, but in a different way, and she needs to realize and tell him that it's not a mutual romantic love...or if it is, then she needs to get it sorted within herself before leading them both any further.
Chapter 24:
When the word infinitesimally is used again.
Not this again.
Infinitesimally strikes back...with a vengeance...
Chapter 25:
When Bella is still holding the rock she used to cut herself to distract Victoria and Riley; Edward puts his hands toward her, trying to calm her down, insisting that he isn't going to hurt her.
Edward, did you seriously think that Bella was afraid of you? You should know her better than that. You idiotic glitterpire.
Of all the times to be afraid of him, I don't think this would be the moment I would expect that to happen. I guess this is what happens when you can't read your girlfriend's mind and have to do things the old-fashioned way.
When Edward tells Bella that Seth being hurt was a trick: “Seth was…..faking?”
Of course he was faking. Did you really think a werewolf would go down that easily without much of a fight?
Of course she did. She doesn't pay attention to any of the stories that she is told about werewolves or vampires...she also thought Alice would be hopeless, so...this isn't an unprecedented thought for her.
Chapter 26:
When Alice explains that Jasper’s gift works on her because it is a physical response, not a mental one.
Oh! That’s how that works. Something in these books makes sense for once.
Yep, full-on explanation this time. That's pretty nice to have.
When Bella goes to see Jacob after he’s injured: “Dr. Fang isn’t sure how much pain medication I need, so he’s going with trial and error.”
*laughs* Dr. Fang. That’s funny.
When Jacob calls Bella “honey” again.
Again? If you’re doing that for romantic purposes, it isn’t going to work. She’s engaged.
When Jacob says that he can’t fight an eclipse--meaning Edward.
So that’s where the title comes from.
Running Tally my sister keeps for some weird reason:
Russet used a total of 6 times (5 times to describe Jacob)
Velvet used a total of 9 times (8 times to describe Edward’s voice)
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