Glitter, Sparkles, and Vampires REVIEWING Twilight



Just kidding, this isn't a least not from ME. Since it is April Fool's Day, I've decided to bring a special guest to the blog today.

My younger, teenage sister (16) just started reading the Twilight series, for the first time EVER. Now, I often sit by my sister when she reads...and she has a habit of making comments on what she is reading, aloud. For the first time ever, I have decided that her comments were just too funny to NOT share. This isn't a full standard review, it is snippets of commentary I noted throughout her time reading.

There will definitely be spoilers for anyone who has not read this book. If you care, and I'm not sure why you would, then go ahead and skip this post. If you don't, then I really hope you enjoy it.

Today's ACTUAL post is:

My Teenage Sister Reacting to Twilight

On these first few pages, my sister doesn't say much, just ends up mildly confused.

Page 15: Where she questions the description -
"...I tried holding my breath as I followed two unisex raincoats through the door."
She questions why Bella wouldn't just say she follows two students or people, but now says she may someday be remarking on a unisex raincoat as she walks.

Page 55: In which Bella remarks on how nothing moves in slow motion like the movies. My sister says "well, duh! Movies are fake, nothing in life moves in slow motion. Are you dense?"

Page 103: Where "infinitesimally" is apparently not a word that should be in Bella's vocabulary based on her actions, thoughts, and commentary up to this point.

Page 119: Bella describes Jacob's appearance. Sister says, "What?! He has long hair?! The posters always show him with short hair, for the later movies...I didn't know he had long hair here."

THIS is where the commentary starts getting entertaining for me. 

Page 131: Where we realize where my sister's care and loyalty truly lies. Bella is lying on her bed, listening to music, with headphones. All of a sudden, her CD player falls off the bed to a wooden floor. Yes, this sister of mine made it a point to note that it is a wooden floor. She said aloud "aww, poor CD player. I hope it didn't break." This is followed up immediately on page 133, in which Bella picks up the CD player and starts to listen to it again. This turned into a sigh of relief and a "I'm glad it's not broken." Then she looks at me and says "that moment when you care more for a CD player than the actual main character. Also that moment when you care more for an inanimate object than a 'real' person." ....y'all, I canNOT make this up. She is more visibly upset by a fictional CD player falling, than anything else that has happened in this book up to this point.

Page 161: Where Bella is getting chased by muggers/predators, whoever they may be. Bella is running through options of what to do, sees a car, decides to jump in its path (just talking about it again later makes my sister lightly smack her head on the book). She just stands in its way, instead of waving it down at a safe distance, and my sister is looking bewildered wondering how someone could be so stupid, even if it is Edward in the drivers seat with fast reflexes. Let's be real, the car could be a kidnapper assisting the muggers.

Page 174: In which we have the first full instance of Edward's stalking tendencies. "I followed you to Port Angeles." Sister thinks Stalker, then proceeds to question why Bella is not questioning Edward for doing such a bizarre thing.

Page 195: In the last paragraph of chapter 9, Bella lists the 3 definites she knows...which includes a proclamation of love. To which sister reacts by saying, "you barely met him a few weeks ago!" ...I'm starting to get Elsa vibes here...

Next page, Bella mentions how "logic wasn't on my side, or common sense." Sister responds, "Is common sense EVER on your side? You seem to be lacking in that field."

Page 206: The second instance of Edward's stalkerish tendencies, which my sister refers to as "red flag stuff". A conversation occurs between Bella and Jessica, which Edward eavesdrops on. Sister responds with "you just find it okay that he eavesdrops on your conversations? Like I said, dense."

Page 221: Where Bella is in gym and hits herself on the head with her tennis racket. Sister responds with, "Did that knock any sense into you, Bella? No? Too bad."

The very next page is the part where Bella knows Edward is once more eavesdropping on her conversation, but this time it is with Mike. Sister says, "Oh, she calls him out on it for once! Are you finally using that brain of yours?"

The very NEXT page, Bella tries to have Edward promise to stop eavesdropping. Sister response: "He never promised...what was the point of that, Bella? You fail."

Page 260: Here, Edward decides to show Bella why he cannot be in the sun. Cue sister: "Would you look at that? He sparkles." ...which is a comment dripping with sarcasm. 

Page 264: They kiss. Bella is getting excited, Edward is getting put on edge cause vampire reactions. Edward then gets angry, rips a branch off a tree, and throws it. Bella says she's more frightened than she has ever been and that she's never seen him as less human or more beautiful before that point. Sister says: "Yes, Bella. Because people who are frightening are definitely beautiful."

Next page: Bella says "his answering smile was dazzling". Sister responds, "was his smile actually dazzling or is it the sunlight just making him shimmer?"

Page 272: Bella says, "common sense told me I should be terrified". Sister says, "you have common sense? Who knew? Oh don't."

Page 274: Bella says she would rather die than stay away from Edward, then calls herself an idiot. Sister says, "Ya think?! At least you admit it..."

Page 280: Back to weird word choice, with "unloosened". Sister remarks with, "who says unloosened? Nobody says it. NO one, honestly. Think about it. She just added two extra characters, that's it. Everyone says loosens or loosened, that's IT."

Page 283: Another fancy word - "...his seraphic face untroubled." Sister says, "Why are you trying to make yourself sound intelligent? It's NOT working."

Page 292: Edward admits that he spies on Bella in general. Bella's thought is that she is flattered. Sister says, "Flattered? He literally SPIED on you."

Page 293-94: Edward talks about how he watches her sleep and listens to her talk in her sleep. Bella now starts to get upset with him, responding with how her being upset depends on "what you heard". Sister says, "Just when I think you're going to tell him off for watching you when you slept, you get upset at what he may have heard you say when you're sleeping?!"

Page 295: Charlie, Bella's dad comes home and has to use the "back of Edward's chair for support". Sister replies with, "Now it's EDWARD'S chair? It is literally your father's house..."

Page 297: Edward reappears in her room after having vanished when Bella's dad came home. Bella calls to him, "feeling completely idiotic". Sister responds, "As you should, because you are."

Page 309-10: Bella asks Edward if vampire marriages work the same as human marriages. He questions why and she says she wondered about them, for someday. Sister says, "You've known him one month at MOST, and already you're thinking of marriage?! Bella, you are unbelievable."

Page 314: Edward mentions that Bella said that she loved him, while she was asleep. Sister says, "We know you love him, Bella, because you're ignorant and foolish."

Page 329: Bella ends up 'accidentally' crying and Edward wipes a tear off, and tastes it. Sister says, "Cause that's not weird at all....yeah, that's weird. I'm weirded out."

Page 354: Bella is putting on a raincoat to go outside. Sister comments, "Don't you mean your unisex raincoat? At least commit."

Page 365: Edward tells Bella he could never be angry at her, because she is brave and trusting. Sister responds with, "And foolish, perhaps?"

The very next page, Edward tells Bella he loves her for the first time. Sister says, "Oh yay, now Edward's in love. Isn't that sweet?" a tone super laden with sarcasm.

Page 367: The Cullen family baseball game. Sister says, "How do we make vampires more human? We make them sparkle and play baseball!" Hey, it's America's pastime. 

Page 373: After three times of calling a hair tie/hair elastic a rubber band, my sister can no longer stand it. "Who CALLS it that?"

Page 404: After Bella has been tracked and they are planning to save her, she is talking to Jasper and Alice. Sister says, "Okay. Jasper and Alice are my favorites." Looks like the kid actually found something to like about this book!

Page 410: More discussion with Jasper and Alice. Sister says, "Yep. Definitely my favorites." I'm glad she's getting some kind of enjoyment out of it now, cause I thought things were going to go even more downhill.

Page 424: "Two pairs of eternal eyes stared at me." Sister can't get passed how weird this wording sounds to her. "What do immortal eyes even look like? Cause they're supposed to be human-ish eyes in  general, then have variations with vampire phases, but otherwise there doesn't seem to be much difference."

Page 425: Bella is getting concerned about her parents, mainly her dad. Sister says, "What do you know, Bella? You've gotten slightly more tolerable."

Page 432: After she writes the letter to Edward, deciding to go off on her own, Bella goes off on her own. Sister says, "Would you look at that? I finally care. Kind of late though, in my opinion."

Page 474: After everything big happens, Edward and Bella are arguing about Bella wanting to be a vampire. Bella says, "You ARE my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose." Sister responds with, "And your parents? Nope. Guess their lives don't matter anymore."

My sister has finished the book at this point. So now I'll present to you her final thoughts: 

She gives this book a 3.5, with the extra 0.5 being simply for the existence of Alice and Jasper. She says, "Bella is flatter than a piece of paper. Can I read about Edward instead? Get a clue, Bella. You're 17, for crying out loud. And how is Bella so nonchalant about Edward being immortal? I wish it was told from Edward's perspective instead...or maybe the CD player. I'd even like to hear it told by Alice and Jasper."

I'm really hoping I get a good show when she starts New Moon.  She refused to label this book as a DNF (did not finish), and I hope that stands for the full series. I could use some good entertainment. 

If you liked this, let me know. I know it is very different from my usual posts. I just felt like I really needed somebody else to enjoy these observations with me and I think it makes for some nice April Fool's fun. If you'd like to actually see more of my sister's commentary featured on the blog, drop me a line and say so!

Happy April Fool's Day everyone! Thanks for reading!